I can remember very clearly the evening we found out we were going to have our first baby, it is something that will be with me forever. It was a moment of shared bliss which unexpectedly brought my partner and I closer together as a couple, and sent us on a new journey of discovery and joint purpose. This is the way the event unfolded for us.
We live away from the family and friends we grew up with, moving to Australia's Gold Coast a few years back. Yes, we opted for a sea change. One of the great things about living here though is the constant stream of family and friends which come and stay with us, on extended visits. We love it.
At the start of 2008, we had my parents staying with us for a week. It was during this week we started to think we may have a little, unplanned bundle of joy on the way. For better or worse, we waited till mum and dad had left before we got that test.
On purchasing a pregnancy test, an amusing series of events unfolded. My partner ducked out into the bathroom and urinated on the stick as per the directions. Having done so, all courage departed and she ran into the living room, buried herself under a pillow and hid from it. She demanding that I go and find out what it had to tell us.
So off I went into the bathroom to check the results. Lo and behold, it came back positive. After taking a moment to absorb the fact, I composed myself and went back into the lounge as straight faced as I could. I tried to draw out the announcement as long as I could, toying with her gorwing impatience, finally relenting with a humble "Sweetheart, we are going to be parents".
This sparked a bevy of activity. She leaped off the couch and bounded into the bathroom to see for herself. When I arrived behind her, she was jumping up and down in excitement, then settled into a moment of stillness where we just stared at each other tenderly. It really was a rollercoaster, fear, excitement, love, joy, responsibility all rolled up into less than 10 minutes, what an introduction into pregnancy.
The rest of the night was simply wonderful. We spent at least an hour in the bathroom looking at the little stick, staring at each other in amazement, murmering quietly "we are going to be parents", "you are going to be a mum", "you are going to be a dad" and the like. Despite the tumultuous beginning, it turned into an evening of softness, joy and intimacy. An experience that never would have been the same if it was shared with others. An experience in which we grew together as a couple, as a family.
Pregnancy, particularly your first, is packed with precious moments like this. These moments can not only be precious though, but massively positive for your relationship with your partner. They have the power to bring you closer together, to bind you in joint purpose. Unfortunately though, I found as the expectant father, sometimes you need to fight to protect those moments for yourself and your partner. There are so many people out there who lose sight of family boundaries during a pregnancy and try to interfere, to the extent that they will marginalise you as far as they can out of the process.
For example, one of my partner's friends went as far as to speak to my her sister, independently of us, telling her we need her in the delivery room. My mind boggled at the inappropriateness of this. The birth of our baby is such an intimate experience, no-one but my wife and I should be making decisions about who needed to be in the delivery room. The simple fact was, we wanted no-one there, the thought of having someone else in the delivery room with us was intrusive to the extreme.
We also had people telling us, in their "wisdom and experience", that the advice we were receiving from our doctor was wrong and we should listen to them instead. Naturally, as the father to be, I was excluded from all these conversations. Apparently I wasn't needed in the decision making process.
This is part of the reason why, as mentioned above, expecting your firstborn can be a bit of a rollercoaster. The highs you experience really are tremendous, all those first time experiences that are happening because you and your partner are bringing a new life into the world.
And then you have the pressures, feelings of self doubt, financial pressures, and feelings of being marginalised and pushed out of the way. This is why learning to trust your instincts becomes so important. You have to trust you'll be able to provide for your family. You have to trust yourself so you know, when the well meaning woman enters the fray, the decisions you've made as a couple are the right decisions for your experience.
Expressing my feelings on the matter to all the new fathers in my circle of friends, I found that we are all the same. Pretty much every dad I spoke to had to deal with a variation of the "well meaning woman". So if you find yourself locking horns with such a person, it could be your mother, the mother in law or a good friend, don't think you are on your own. Speak to some of the Dad's you know, it won't take you long to find one who can give you some tips for dealing with the situation.
Is there a well meaning woman causing issues in you family at the moment? The one thing I found when it happened to me was it was time for me to grow up. For the first time, I had to stand tall and protect my family. When these types of situation arise, there are two things you need to protect your family from.
Firstly, make sure these people do not interfere with your relationship with your doctor. Find a way to make them understand all medical opinions are off limits to them.
Secondly we found that we were second guessing the decisions we had mad as a couple because of all the naysayers telling us they'd do it differently. We gradually learned that that probably the most important things a couple can bring to their pregnancy and the birth of their children, are their own instincts. Other mothers' instincts and ideas were great for their pregnancies and births, but every single one is unique. And there are only two people who know what is best for your unique pregnancy and that is you and your partner. No-one else's opinion is appropriate. You need to protect your family from other people's opinions underminding the trust you have in your own instincts and those of your spouse.
Remember, as an expectant father, people will continually try and make you feel out of the loop. They will continually leave you second guessing yourself. Trust your instincts, insulate your family from the inappropriate interferances of others and make the decisions which are right for your circumstances. - 15437
We live away from the family and friends we grew up with, moving to Australia's Gold Coast a few years back. Yes, we opted for a sea change. One of the great things about living here though is the constant stream of family and friends which come and stay with us, on extended visits. We love it.
At the start of 2008, we had my parents staying with us for a week. It was during this week we started to think we may have a little, unplanned bundle of joy on the way. For better or worse, we waited till mum and dad had left before we got that test.
On purchasing a pregnancy test, an amusing series of events unfolded. My partner ducked out into the bathroom and urinated on the stick as per the directions. Having done so, all courage departed and she ran into the living room, buried herself under a pillow and hid from it. She demanding that I go and find out what it had to tell us.
So off I went into the bathroom to check the results. Lo and behold, it came back positive. After taking a moment to absorb the fact, I composed myself and went back into the lounge as straight faced as I could. I tried to draw out the announcement as long as I could, toying with her gorwing impatience, finally relenting with a humble "Sweetheart, we are going to be parents".
This sparked a bevy of activity. She leaped off the couch and bounded into the bathroom to see for herself. When I arrived behind her, she was jumping up and down in excitement, then settled into a moment of stillness where we just stared at each other tenderly. It really was a rollercoaster, fear, excitement, love, joy, responsibility all rolled up into less than 10 minutes, what an introduction into pregnancy.
The rest of the night was simply wonderful. We spent at least an hour in the bathroom looking at the little stick, staring at each other in amazement, murmering quietly "we are going to be parents", "you are going to be a mum", "you are going to be a dad" and the like. Despite the tumultuous beginning, it turned into an evening of softness, joy and intimacy. An experience that never would have been the same if it was shared with others. An experience in which we grew together as a couple, as a family.
Pregnancy, particularly your first, is packed with precious moments like this. These moments can not only be precious though, but massively positive for your relationship with your partner. They have the power to bring you closer together, to bind you in joint purpose. Unfortunately though, I found as the expectant father, sometimes you need to fight to protect those moments for yourself and your partner. There are so many people out there who lose sight of family boundaries during a pregnancy and try to interfere, to the extent that they will marginalise you as far as they can out of the process.
For example, one of my partner's friends went as far as to speak to my her sister, independently of us, telling her we need her in the delivery room. My mind boggled at the inappropriateness of this. The birth of our baby is such an intimate experience, no-one but my wife and I should be making decisions about who needed to be in the delivery room. The simple fact was, we wanted no-one there, the thought of having someone else in the delivery room with us was intrusive to the extreme.
We also had people telling us, in their "wisdom and experience", that the advice we were receiving from our doctor was wrong and we should listen to them instead. Naturally, as the father to be, I was excluded from all these conversations. Apparently I wasn't needed in the decision making process.
This is part of the reason why, as mentioned above, expecting your firstborn can be a bit of a rollercoaster. The highs you experience really are tremendous, all those first time experiences that are happening because you and your partner are bringing a new life into the world.
And then you have the pressures, feelings of self doubt, financial pressures, and feelings of being marginalised and pushed out of the way. This is why learning to trust your instincts becomes so important. You have to trust you'll be able to provide for your family. You have to trust yourself so you know, when the well meaning woman enters the fray, the decisions you've made as a couple are the right decisions for your experience.
Expressing my feelings on the matter to all the new fathers in my circle of friends, I found that we are all the same. Pretty much every dad I spoke to had to deal with a variation of the "well meaning woman". So if you find yourself locking horns with such a person, it could be your mother, the mother in law or a good friend, don't think you are on your own. Speak to some of the Dad's you know, it won't take you long to find one who can give you some tips for dealing with the situation.
Is there a well meaning woman causing issues in you family at the moment? The one thing I found when it happened to me was it was time for me to grow up. For the first time, I had to stand tall and protect my family. When these types of situation arise, there are two things you need to protect your family from.
Firstly, make sure these people do not interfere with your relationship with your doctor. Find a way to make them understand all medical opinions are off limits to them.
Secondly we found that we were second guessing the decisions we had mad as a couple because of all the naysayers telling us they'd do it differently. We gradually learned that that probably the most important things a couple can bring to their pregnancy and the birth of their children, are their own instincts. Other mothers' instincts and ideas were great for their pregnancies and births, but every single one is unique. And there are only two people who know what is best for your unique pregnancy and that is you and your partner. No-one else's opinion is appropriate. You need to protect your family from other people's opinions underminding the trust you have in your own instincts and those of your spouse.
Remember, as an expectant father, people will continually try and make you feel out of the loop. They will continually leave you second guessing yourself. Trust your instincts, insulate your family from the inappropriate interferances of others and make the decisions which are right for your circumstances. - 15437
About the Author:
Damian Papworth as a new dad, details some of the issues he had to deal with recently, as an expectant father for the first time.
